Manifest Myself

Mental and emotional abuse is real, just because scars and bruises aren’t seen by outsiders doesn’t minimize their impact.

Have you ever experienced a loss? Loss of a loved one, loss of your career, or even loss of yourself?

I didn’t lose my home or my career, I lost myself. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I was and how I laughed. I was a shell of a person who ignored the people that tried to save me. I lost sight of everything that meant the most to me and dedicated my heart, mind, and soul to a relationship. A figment of my imagination that I thought was a relationship. My values, passions and things that bring me joy were so buried by broken promises.

As a young woman, you have an expectation to be the heart of your home. There is an unspoken agreement that women take care of the house, their children (in my case, my fur babies), and their partner. At what cost though? Regardless of age, marital status or who the bread winner is, women have always been taught to love whole-heartedly. To be the “saving grace”, but at what point do we have a saving grace?

Taking care of yourself should always come first, and then you should focus your energy on others. It should never be a battle to choose between loving yourself and loving others. Even when you look in the mirror and don’t recognize who is staring back. I have longed for a love so deep, passionate, and sincere that I lost sight of who I was and what I deserved. Then I made a choice, enough is enough.

This year has been one of the most difficult times I have ever been through. I’m not even 30 and I have experienced more heartache, grief, and depression than most will endure their entire lives. Over the years I have slowly lost myself, lost loved ones, witnessed the depths of addiction, managed someone else’s anger and my own, all while trying to keep my head afloat and paint on a smile. I’ve had to face the choices I’ve made, grow up and take responsibility for my actions. I have learned to forgive and thank God for the blessings I have, even when I don’t see them. There is a saying “I made my bed and now I have to lay in it..” this is true on a whole different level. I am learning to find what brings me joy and live on my own. Putting myself first and making decisions to better my career, my home, and my kids.

Mental and emotional abuse is real, just because scars and bruises aren’t seen by outsiders doesn’t minimize their impact. To a degree, they are worse. You can hide them; pretend they aren’t real and place them deep inside the depths of your memory where no one can ever find them. This is when you lose sight of yourself and who you are. Nighttime becomes the loneliest part of the day when demons creep and come out to play. Anxiety is real and comes in many shapes, actions, and forms. The numbness you feel and the routine you have become so accustomed to takes over. Nothing else matters but making it through the 24 hours in a day, only to start all over when the sun peaks the horizon. The moment your reality becomes tainted with lies and an imagination to make things seem better, you have lost sight of yourself.

Relationships are about give and take, you give the love you think they deserve and accept the love you think you deserve. I accepted a love unworthy for far too long. I cherished someone and the ground they walked on. Living with someone is far different than living for someone, you stop taking care of yourself and your thoughts become consumed by another person. Only to become a useless body who gave far too many chances, continued to uplift, and understand or reason. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept every bad behavior or quality about that person, and vice versa. You work together to find a solution and have honesty in every aspect of your relationship about what you like or don’t like. Better one another and encourage growth for each other and yourself.

I am no angel. I have my own dents, scratches, and cracks that need to be repaired. I tend to hold onto the past and remember years of damage. This is something I have been working on for a long time. To better who I am and my response to actions I cannot control. I have fought to be the person I am today, who I once was. I have chosen to accept I am damaged, not only from relationships but from a childhood filled with confusion and pain. Being damaged does not mean you are unworthy, it only magnifies that you have experienced real emotion and might need some time to heal.

The moment I chose to put myself first and start accepting my flaws, I became a better person and will not waiver for anyone. I will learn to do all the things a man should do, and get my hands dirty to provide for my family. I will thank God for my own personal growth and live a life full of joy and positivity. I will pick up the broken pieces of my once shattered soul. I will learn to love myself and be in love again. I will learn to manifest a woman of integrity, pride, and independence who can look back and remember the hardships I have overcome.

Besides, aren’t all women superior and majestic creatures who can take care of everything? I think so.