You may notice that the name of this post is after a song that plays near to my heart, and I will explain this in time to come.
I was born on February 18, 1994. I was a baby girl named after my great-grandmother, Audrey Penny. I had all ten toes and fingers, even two little teeth! Blue eyes, and chipmunk cheeks (as I have been told). Growing up I remember one thing, I was a momma’s girl. I had never loved anyone as deep and rich as I loved my mother. I remember running around in blue jeans that were too short for me and singing all the time. I lived in a little quiet town called Pilot. When I was four years old momma and daddy divorced, I clung to my mother like tick to a dog. I never left her side and to this day I can remember cuddling on the couch as she scratched my back. I had the type of hair that only little girls could dream of. the purest white blonde and silk to the touch. Often I remember momma blow-drying my hair for me every evening after a bath. We moved from Pilot to Rocky Mount when I was five years old. Even at this age there was nothing that I didn’t know, and couldn’t do. I have always been a very caring and loving person. I had my first kiss behind the bushes at my neighbor’s house. Walking into momma’s house after a weekend with daddy, I remember smelling cinnamon and Ysatis (my mother’s favorite perfume). I have five brothers and two sisters. I will not go into detail about their names but we all range in age from 34 to 21, and yes I am the youngest! Let me explain that these siblings are not all biological before you choke on the last breath you just took. I have one biological sister – 26, one half-sister and half-brother – 34/33, and four step-brothers – 24/25/26/31. My mother is remarried, as is my father.
Growing up in a split family was tough. Some things I will never forget. It’s that simple. I moved around a lot, and lived with my mother until I was thirteen years old. At that time I made the choice to move in with my father and this wouldn’t be the last time I left my mother. I was always unhappy for one reason or another. I entered the world of middle school; finally feeling a little “grown”. I was twelve years old the first time I was taken advantage of. From this moment, life seemed to spiral downward. I moved again trying to get away from the school that took everything from me. Cutting, eating disorders, and trying to appease my parents consumed me. Life at the moment sucked me into the darkest black hole. I was thirteen when I wrote my first suicide letter, and attempted to cut my wrist open. I was fourteen when I met my first boyfriend. He called me beautiful and told me the things I always wanted my father to say to me. I fell in love, or so I thought. I got into more and more trouble, although I kept my grades up, I always seemed to be lying. Freshman year I got suspended for fighting, then sophomore year came and I was in yet another fight. My softball path went down the drain in a blink of an eye. I never drank alcohol and I never smoked pot; which now days is the most common thing to do. I just wanted to graduate from high school. I continued to date the same guy for almost four years, he understood what to say to make me feel like a princess. But all the time he was seeing each of my friends, and numerous other young girls. Finally I was able to graduate and early because I kept my grades up and I transferred two extra credits from middle school. By this time I had long let go of the “knight in shining armor” I thought he was. I was done with high school and on to bigger and better things.
At this point in my life, I have faced many trials. Who Am I is a song by the Casting Crowns. This song serves a purpose, after two terrible car crashes when I was just sixteen, stressful events in my life, and numerous thoughts about what purpose my life serves – I realized that I am here for a reason. I may not know why and I definitely don’t have all the answers, but I know that I am supposed to be here. To love and be loved. I have such a greedy outlook on life, I want to learn and grow as person and as a human being. I want to fight for the things that my heart calls me towards, and what God leads me to do. How many people can say that they genuinely want to be as much of a person as they can be in all ways? In loving, teaching, growing, learning, believing, and providing. Think on that and respond, I am looking forward to anyone responding! If you have any ideas for a possible topic, let me know!
My favorite verse from this song is below.
“I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I’m calling.
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling.
And You’ve told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours.”
Until next time!